A Scottish Pub--

TC--"Arnie did you bet on the horse I gave you the tip for?"

Arnie--"Naw I couldnt remember what it was called!I thought it was some kind of inuendo sort of name,but there were so may in the race"

TC--"It was Raspberry Ripple you dumpling"

Arnie--"Fair enough but there was Blackpool Rock, Chorus and Verse and Single Fish,all in the race too!"

Campbell--"Digger(the landlord of the Haggis and Hound) is running a bus to Musselburgh racecourse next week ,are you both going "

TC--"When is it?"

Campbell--"Next Thursday bus leaves outside the Haggis at 7.30 am"

Arnie--"That's a wee bit early,is it no?"

Campbell--"Naw Arnie bought us a massive carry oot wi his winnings from the gee gees"

TC--"I thought you didn't bet the horse?"

Arnie--"I didnt but Huge Knockers won the next race at 66-1"


A Day at The Races

TC--"Shug! why are you wearing your slippers man?"

Shug--"I told Thelma I was nipping round to the shops to get a paper cause she wisnae keen on me going to the Races after doing in the rent money the last time.She gave me a tenner to get her fags and a paper"

TC--"You'll no win much wae a tenner Shug"

Shug--"Naw but it adds another tenner tae the rent money Ive got in my sky rocket boyo.How much money you got with you TC?"

TC--"Oh Ya , I need to get off the bus quick "

Shug--"We are just at the race course Arnie and he's running away already"

Arnie--"Thats why we call him TC"

Shug--"Is that not his initials?"

Arnie--"Naw,His name is Rab Broon.TC stands for touching cloth"

Shug--"I just thought I always bored him and thats why he would take off in mid story"

The Big Tip

TC--"Hey guys over here.....I just spoke to one of the trainers sons in the pish-house and he said his Da's horse is a certainty in 3.30 race.I'm going to the on course betting shop to see if there is an erly price.Ill be back the noo"

Shug--"TC is there any chance you could give us the name of the horse"

TC--"Its called Peaches and Cream,I'll be back in a tick"

Arnie--"Hey Shug a wee tip from me ,Stay away from TC's horse his tips are always shit,well except raspberry ripple"

The 3.30 Race

TC--"Ya beauty the horse has went out to 33-1 it was 16-1 a minute ago"

Arnie--"TC that means the bookies reckon it has no chance in the race"

TC--"What do they know i'm having sixty quid on it.Hey bookie dude give me £60 on peaches and cream at 33s!"

Arnie--"You are off your head,man"

TC--"Go on my son how far ya f...ing beauty two thousand smackeroonies,how much did you have on it arnie?"

Arnie--"I had £25 on it!"

Shug --"I thought you said to stay away from his tips!"

Arnie--"I did, what horse did you bet?"

Shug--"I bet one called ....er........mmm..........Peaches and Cream ya fucking stoater,we're all getting pished tonight,tomorrow next week ha ha ha"

The Bus Home

Arnie,TC,Shug--Singing--"You run on like a dream, Peaches and Cream,we're getting pished on the wine,You're 33s your beautiful at the line.......OH OH OH 33s you're beautiful at the line"

Morning After

TC--"Maggie stop shouting for fuck's sake my heid is feels like its shrink wrapped and i am going to puke the noo.

Maggie--"Serves you right ya drunken tit,do you not remember pishin in the fridge all over the sirloin stakes I got from the lassie at the factory?"

TC--"You never heard the saying is this a piss steak?Ow thats sair when I laugh"

Maggie--"I should have gave you a John Wayne Bobbit when the chance was there"